You scored as Goofy. Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun and great to be around, and you are always willing to help others. You arn't worried about embarrassing yourself, so you are one who is more willing to try new things. </td> Goofy 100% Peter Pan 100% Donald Duck 100% Ariel 94% The Beast 88% Sleeping Beauty 75% Cruella De Ville 75% Cinderella 63% Snow White 50% Pinocchio 38% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

So, after my last big "flop" I started kicking around the idea that maybe it was possible I'm bipolar. I don't know much about the disorder. I think it's extreme for me to think that of myself. But, nonetheless, the thought of the possibility crossed my mind. I took an evaluation "quiz" that I found online (I know, highly accurate. :) at one of those medical sites. A score of 25 or higher places a person at a highly likely probability of having a bipolar depression disorder. ......I scored a 36......

Date:	2005-04-07 16:59
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	The Who

My Neurotic Neurons

I know it's psychological
I know it's in my head
But, yeah, babe, so are you
Yeah, oh yeah, babe, so are you

I know it's psychological
But I'm a psychopath
So yeah, it makes sense to me
Yeah it makes sense in my head
That I'm so caught up
                 Yeah, caught up
                               caught up

And they fire,
Yeah, they connect
 Yeah, and they fire
 All explosions in my head
 Like the fire from the matches
When you light your cigarette

And now that you are gone
And the match is in my hand
I can smell you in my arms
As I watch it burn
                 Yeah burn
                      Oh, it burns

And I know it's psychological
 I know it's in my head
 But, yeah babe, so are you
Yeah, oh yeah, babe, so are you

So it makes sense that
I can smell you in the air
As I walk past the smoky bar
And it makes sense in my head
That you were never gone
                         Never gone
                              No, you're here

Date:	2005-03-31 12:53
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore
Music:	Brandy

Yesterday was sooo beautiful. It was warm and sunny and so so...beautiful. I swear EVERYONE was outside on the mall, or somewhere out on campus. I grabbed a blanket and joined the crowd of sunners with a book for Lit and just soaked up all the energy I could inbetween dodging the fugitive frisbees and flirting with the hacky sack players. A group of guys even brought out their instruments and had a little jam session over by Starbucks. Truly inspiring (which was good because I had a paper due today). Then, to top it off, it stormed last night. A real thunder and lightning storm that was absolutely fantastic. I opened my windows up all the way and just let the cold breeze run through my room until around 2 in the morning.

Then, there was today. The storm was great last night. It brought in cold clammy weather for today, though. And, since it was so great yesterday, it brought out all the little buggies and bumbly bees, who have so graciously decided to migrate indoors because of the weather today. So, yeah... I got attacked by a wasp in Lit. It flew, from out of nowhere, directly into my neck. It scared the crap out of me, so I hit myself where it had landed, knocking it down my shirt where it proceeded to buzz around and sting me right on the collar bone. My neck swelled up and the sting turned out looking like some kind of crazy hicky, so I skipped my next class and went over to the health center to make sure it was okay. They, of course, had to fill out paperwork, take my blood pressure and pulse, and made me sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes with an ice pack to make sure that I wasn't going to have an allergic reaction to the sting, since I'd never been stung by a wasp before. But, they gave me a popsicle and let me watch the Price is Right before sending me home with some of those cool instant ice packs. Even if they do go a little overboard with things sometimes, the nurses over there are great - almost as good as mom.

Anyway, after I got back from the health center, and then lunch, I got ready to go to my next class. I had started walking over there, when I realized that I had gotten out of class for the morning early because I had skipped humanities because of the sting. I was an hour early for my next class...

Other than the slight unwanted excitement of the morning, nothing else to report on for today. All my love!

Date:	2005-03-29 23:06
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	Weezer

I really dont have much of anything to say at the moment, so i dont know why im bothering. I guess I'm just putting off writing my papers for Humanities and Lit. Oh well. Um. What's new with me? Very VERY single. Not even a guy in the works at all at the moment, which is a little odd for me. But, whatever. I'm tired of settling into things just so that I can have someone there. I'm notorious for my fear of being alone. And I'm tired of not being happy with whom I choose to spend my time, as far as guys go. If there is one thing that I have learned from my mother, its to never ever settle, even if the guy treats you like Cleopatra herself. Unless he's my Antony, I'm not wasting my time. I'm waiting for THE guy. I'm ready for a serious relationship. Everyone around me has settled into something. It's my turn. Nancy's engaged. Ann, Dana, and Heather are all living with their boyfriends. And then there's me. I'm doing well with school, as far as I know. For the most part, friendships are swimming along just fine. Home life is what it always is for me. Not so much home life, but one of those things that makes me stronger becasue it hasnt had the chance to kill me yet. And that's my life. There's no vibrancy to it at the moment. I stressed the fuck out over the last few days, the reason is as of yet unknown to me, but I've been acting crazy. I'm normally articulate, together, and even tempered. For the last few days, I've been this bumbling mess of emo explosives. Oh well. I feel fine. I'm not stressed over anyhting that I know of. I just...am not myself. Eh, what is "narmal" for me anyway? Lol. Well, good night all. All my love!

Date:	2005-02-21 10:50
Subject:	Flerg
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy
Music:	Guster

I feel like a big puddle of crappy flavored crap with crap frosting. I have frosting, at least, so not all is lost, but it's that lumpy crappy frosting that's nothing but sugar and electric blue food coloring that you're scraping off your teeth and tongue for days after you eat it, so it still sucks. So yeah, words for the day: Crap and Flerg. At least QC was good today. www.questionablecontent.net Dance on Steve. Dance on.

You scored as Verbal/Linguistic. You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers. </td> Verbal/Linguistic 93% Musical/Rhythmic 86% Visual/Spatial 75% Interpersonal 71% Intrapersonal 68% Logical/Mathematical 54% Bodily/Kinesthetic 46% The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences created with QuizFarm.com

Thanks Stacie. Just a reaffirmation of the road I'm on. Always good to know.

DROP THE BOMB!!!

I ran two miles today. Well, I'll be honest I'd run two laps and then walk one. This semester, I am doing a lot of things for myself. Even the classes I'm taking. I'm in T'ai Chi for stress relief and self defense. I'm in Lifetime Fitness because I'm so lazy and out of shape it's ridiculous. I needed to get into a routine and start working out a little again. I'm also in a Psych class, where we do a lot of self evaluation and assessment, which I thought would be a good idea, too. I've got my own room now, and everyone's gone. Ann, Nancy, Harrison...all off to wherever it is they've ended up these days. So, that means making new friends. And I'm trying hard on that one. I really am. And I never do that. I ran into Alex today. He's good people. It's nice to have someone (well, someone besides Mike) that shares my cynicism. Sometimes I think he's even more hateful than I am in some reguards. We met up in Atherton. I was actually out of my room, and going to eat lunch with the masses for once! I've cut sugar out of my diet as much as is possible. The worst thing in my fridge right now is leftover chinese, and thats only rice. No more colas, no more candy (for the most part :). I also go through about two bottles of water a day. I feel good. I think that I can lose ten pounds in a few weeks if I put my mind to it. And that's my goal. Ten pounds is a good goal. Then I'll see how I feel after that. I've been taking care of myself, and I've been taking care of all the things I need to get done. And it feels good. I'm usually on top of things and I usually eat healthily. I've just gotten a little out of the habit. I need to spend more time with my parents. I'm the only one that my dad will listen to when it comes to his diet. Well, actually, I think that it's just because I yell at him for what he's eating, take it away from him and fix him something better. My mom kinda hates him and doesnt really cook for him. He eats waaay too much microwave food. His doctor told him that he needed to lose 50 pounds by his next check-up because he's overweight and borderline diabetic. He gained 50... I worry about him. I joined the Dawgnet staff, and I finished my first story last night. Hopefully they like it and put it up soon. That excites me. They pay me, but...well, it's $10 for four stories, so it's not really much. Anyway, I think that's all I've got to ramble about. Later loves!

So, it's January first. Excuse me if I don't sound too thrilled about that. It's been a hell of a year. I feel like I'm taking something away from it all, though. One thing I learned... People can always stoop lower than you expect. It never ceases to amaze me. Not humans in general and the atrocities that they can somehow bring themselves to commit, but actual people in my life that I know and love. I have some trust issues from some things that have happened to me in the past, and this year has done nothing to help those go away. It's not that I've decided to become a total cynic or recluse or anything. The friends that I think I have now are going to stay my friends, if I can help it. I think I'm too old for holding grudges or getting upset at every little thing. People make mistakes. People hurt other people, whether they realize it or not. And I am aware of this simple fact of life. It's human to err. And who am I to hold it against someone for being human? And for all of this, I'm not better off without anyone I've collided with this year. I've changed and been changed. If these things had not happened, as bad, difficult, and emotional as they were, I would be standing here in different colors, with different scars, and with different things and people in my heart. In fact, I wouldn't even be in the place I am right now. This year was one huge chain reaction for me, all adding together to put me where I am now. I'm not exactly happy at the moment, but I'm well on my way to it. Each person that touched me and moved me that extra inch that I wouldn't have turned on my own has pushed me in a slightly new direction, and set me on a way that I would not have found on my own. For that I thank them. Anyone reading this, I thank you for taking an interest in my life, my thoughts, and my pains. May you recognize that everyone you come into contact with this year will have an impact on you and you on them. Every impression, be it first or last, every meeting, be it random on the street or planned between friends or lovers, leaves a mark on all involved in some way. Remember that and present yourself always in a way that will leave someone with a warm glow instead of adding to their rain cloud. And with that, I'll say this: Soit la bienvenue dans mon coeur blesse. Be welcomed into my broken heart. No matter what goes wrong with me, I'll be here for the others in my life when they need to turn to me. So, I welcome you all into my heart and my prayers.


She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard

She says "if I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard


-Iron & Wine "Naked As We Came"

I haven't updated in quite a while. It's a combination of not having anything worthwhile to say and not having any time to devote to something not worthwhile. Last week wore me the fuck out. Thank the higher entity for Saturday, on which I got 12.5 glorious hours of much needed and neglected sleep. I figure the 0 I got on Thursday averaged with the 12.5 I got on Friday night/Saturday morning works out to about 6 on each, which is an acceptable amount of sleep for a night. Right now, I'm just wasting time before I start in on the infamous task of Studying For Finals. Whooppeeee! After that, though, it's free sailing for an entire month. Unless I go insane at Cassie's house. No big deal, though. I've got alternative places that I can run away to if it gets absolutely excrutiating up there. It's really all right because I have about a gallon of Captain Morgan, and Cass's got the majority of a twelve pack of beer left in our fridge that shall go with us for a fabulous New Year's Eve Party in her parent's ski lodge time share in Michigan. Yay for rich roommates! I'm just not sure that I'm ready to put up with her asshole (ex?)boyfriend and his asshole friends that will probably all(him included) hit on me. It's a little comforting to know that I'm not the only one that has absolutley awful taste and judgement of guys. I can't seem to be able to get the bad ones out of my head, or let the good ones into my heart.

Date:	2004-11-29 12:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey

I hate the charmed. Those people in life that lead charmed ones. Everyone has problems, I know. And there are some parts of my life, although unknown to me, that others might be envious of. But I'm envious. Envy. Yet another one of the seven I've seen fit to test my luck with the big guy on.
Yeah. That was me. Talking about god. God, even. I've found myself wanting to re-immerse myself into some form of religion. The reasons behind these feelings have yet to reach me. I think I want to get a cross necklace. I think they're pretty. And I love jewelry that means something. In my parent's religion, they don't have anything to do with the cross. They say that Christ didn't die on a cross, but a tree, because in history, the criminals were hung on just the trunk of the tree, with no added parts. The cross supposedly comes from another symbol for some pagan ruler whose name started with a T. That's the gist of what I remember. And they say that it's the equivalent of wearing an electric chair on your neck. I think it's all bull. There are so many parts of daily life that have ancient equivalent traditions. They also won't wear the Chinese yin yang symbol because it's "spiritistic." It's not just the symbol, though. It's the placement of the colors black and white together that have the meaning of the unity of the spirits. If they were truly to stick to this abstinence from religious symbolism, they couldn't wear black and white together. No concert masters in the lot! :) The cross is a symbol of faith and trust. Just like Christmas isn't about everything they attribute to it. It's about family and love, and it's a time to remember your faith. Sort of a Memorial day. Not everyone who died in a war was killed on that day of the year, but that's the day that is set aside for them. In remembrance and reverence. And voting. They won't vote because taking part in one country's government shows a loyalty. By participating, you are not being neutral and are giving more importance to one country over another, and over God. Bull. If they want to look at it that way, they should give up their citizenships and all the rights that it lets them enjoy. Ok, enough of my apostasy for now. I have a class to go to.

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

You are 93% Leo

I'm cutting my hair. I've never really liked my hair much. I mean, I love it cause everyone else does... I just don't like dealing with it. It's coming off. I don't mean Stacie cut :) (love you Stacie) But, I'm thinking shoulder-length or just above.

I can't wait for next week. Gonna be awesome. No school. Just me and Joe. Fun for me. That means lots of Chinese food, euchre, and playing in Wal-Mart.

I have to read this stupid novel over break, though. And write two papers. And read my case file for MT. Bleh.

Things to do before I leave:
pack
laundry
take out the trash
clean out the fridge (still smells like salami)
dishes (my spoon is moldy, and one of my cups is growing purple things)
cut my hair
and probably five things I'm forgetting

Other news: I'm excited. First real Thanksgiving for me. I've had turkey dinner (Thank you Heather and Nancy :) But I get to actually have the whole shebang at Joe's grandparent's house this year. And Cassie is bringing home a little Christmas tree. YAY!!!!!!! I actually have some ornaments that my grandmother gave to me. But, I've (of course) never had a tree to put them on. IM SO FREAKING EXCITED GUYS!!

Date:	2004-11-15 20:29
Subject:	Maybe I am going somewhere after all...
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	Grin - Guster

I had another one of those "Wow, I'm in college" moments today. Still hits me at the oddest times. Just like Senior Year did - "Wow, I'm a senior," and "Wow, I'm in France." There are these things that you wait for all your life, and they seem like they're never coming. Then they happen, and it leaves you in disbelief. I live for those moments. They make me so unbelieveably happy. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something for myself. And for a moment, when it hits me that I'm finally at Butler - the school that was just a dream to me for so many years - and I'm doing just what I want to be doing, I get this totally elated feeling and just walk on air with a stupid grin on my face until I come back to earth.

I met someone this weekend that gave me one of those feelings... I don't know how to describe this feeling at all. It's this...resonation. A vibe. A personal reflection of yourself in someone else. A moment that gives you insight into yourself.
One of the judges at our MT scrimmage this weekend gave me one of those feelings. She was a redhead. She had great shoes :) She was a theater major here at Butler. She is now a prosecuting attorney for the state, dealing with Sex Crimes. It was a reaffirmation of what the hell I'm doing. If she can do it, I can. I want to be a theater major. Maybe I'll minor. And I want to be a prosecutor. Then go on to being a judge. Maybe I'll even be a Supreme Court Justice one day. Never know. That's a long time from now. And there's so many things that will make up more of my life inbetween now and then. I'll see you all on the way up!

Date:	2004-11-15 12:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable

If anyone out there reads this for fun..this entry isn't going to be that much fun. This is an entry for me today. I just need to let something out. There are probably some things some people just wouldn't want to know.

I still do it to myself. I sneak little peaks at her journal to try and piece things together for myself. I always did it. I wanted some knowledge of what was going on - after me. He never wrote anything, and he would never talk to me about her or their relationship. So, I would go and read her journal every now and then. I would pour over it for an hour, searching for little details. Any mention of his name. Anything about what they did together. How she felt about him. Any excrutiating detail that I could find that made my heart ache so good. I got over it for awhile. When I got over him for awhile. I started talking to him again and she mattered even less than she did before. But, Saturday was November 13th, 2004. On November 13th, 2002, I lost my virginity. A momentous occasion in my life. And, I didn't realize what day it was until the day after. I was laying in bed, and it hit me. And that made me incredibly happy and really sad at the same time. I was happy that it slipped my mind and that I didn't get upset over it. But, any recollection of that nature never fails to upset me. I went out with Joe last night. It was fun, like always. But, he was on my mind. And I hate that. Makes me feel bad. We passed Malibu, and I remembered. We went to the coffee shop, and I remembered. Even the parking garage, and I remembered. I slipped once and called Joe by the wrong name. He didn't catch it, thank goodness, but I did it... And so, he was on my mind. And since it's the middle of the day, and I can't get ahold of him, what do I do? I go and read her journal again, for old time's sake. It never had anything to do with her. It was him. And my jealousy, and my hurt that made me read her thoughts. I had no business there. But, I hold fast to my place with him, and the feeling that she has no business there. And I hate that I still feel like that. I hate that he can do that to people. That he did it to all of us. I know she feels the same. I wish that the same thing could happen with her and I that happened with Ann and I. That outlet, that complete understanding that you can't find anywhere but with someone who's had the same experience (and with him, its always the same experience)...it helped so much. Both of us. And all I can hope for now is that someday I'll forget how to even get to her words, and I won't care about her thoughts.

Date:	2004-11-12 11:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	The Llama Song

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php


THE LLAMA SONG!!!

New class schedule:

Tai Chi
French
Psychology
British Literature
Humanities
PE
Mock Trial


I had to get up at 7:30 in the morning to do it, and all but two of the classes that I had originally wanted were already closed. But that's okay.

It's rainy. Bleh.

Other than that, not a thing is going on. Yeah.

I felt the
Faint trace of thunder
Rattle this old house
I saw the fire light the sky
But there's no sign of rain anywhere

I need a hurricane
To empty out this place
Seems it's the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

I'm waiting
To hear your voice again
And lighten up this heart
I'm holding on to stupid memories
But I see you in every little thing

I need a hurricane
To straighten out this place
It may be the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

I need a hurricane
To ravage through this place
I think it's the only way
To salvage any sense
I have left
To move on

I felt the
Faint trace of thunder
But there's no sign of rain anywhere
No, there's no sign of you anywhere


-Be my Hurricane... I need one.
When I had you to call, I was content. To not sleep alone, but to sleep with you was safe, and kept me from doing dumb things that I'm so good at doing. That's why I threw the fit I did about your "rules." I would rather spend the night with you than anyone else. I just get stupid sometimes. I don't know what to do with myself when I can't just call you and have you come be with me. A best friend meant so much to me. I never seem to be able to keep them for long. I thought you would be different. But I have this horrendous habit of taking things, especially people, for granted. Then, when I realize that I've messed up...that infamous pride I'm never able to swallow takes over and refuses to let me suck it up and do what I should. Then, I get to reap what I sow, and get all sad and willing to do it after the fact. I hope you haven't pushed all of what we had behind you. Who else can be you? I love you. "It's amazing what you do to me. You took my heart and made me feel things I never felt before. It shook me and it threw me around. Helped me learn to breathe. When I was afraid to reach out, when I was the one to run, you came along to show me how its done. Can you see? It's amazing what you do to me." I'm not in love with you, you know that. But I need you so much... I need your light to help me see.